Contrary to the often DELIBERATE distortions, assorted mispresentations and outright lies you may read and hear about my views as expressed in my blogs, I’m going to spell out some of my more controversial viewpoints here--in brief. I also would suggest that you get my book of teaching essays to black women and girls—when it’s available--IF you want more details about what I’m saying versus what some others say I’ve said. LOL! Also, keep in mind that there are only very few absolutes or guarantees in life. Therefore, most of my viewpoints allow for exceptions, shades, nuances, degrees, etc.
1. What do you mean when you say that African-American (AA) women must broaden their dating and mating options to include ALL men in the global village?
Considering the approximately 45% of AA women who are at and above marriage age who have never married--and there are no indicators showing they’re headed toward marriage to AA men-- it’s obvious that AA women must include non-AA men and non-black men in their dating and marriage pool IF they seriously desire marriage. Keep in mind, I’m only talking about women who seriously WANT to get married. The rest of you should not read any further. LOL! I put a lot of emphasis on MARRIAGE. I believe that if a man claims he’s committed to a relationship with a woman, he should also commit legally and in every way possible. Otherwise, I know I couldn’t fully trust him. Maybe you can and maybe you do, but if that piece of paper is “not a big deal,” as I’ve heard some men and women claim, then why not get the piece of paper? That’s just my belief.
2. Why do you focus so much on white men?
I see white men as "men" primarily just like I see any type of man. Secondly, I stress that black women should only date and marry QUALITY men of whatever skin shade. In the United States where I am, white men are the bulk of the men—period--in many black women’s environment, so if a black woman is simply looking for a loving QUALITY man, she needs to look at ALL men of QUALITY and not limit her scope in any way. From small town to big city and all points in between, whites make up the bulk of the population of the country. If you are going to go fishing looking for a certain type of fish and it's known that more of every type of fish is in the ocean, then it just makes more sense to me to fish in the ocean rather than in a puddle—that is, if you’re serious about catching QUALITY fish. However, if you’re a puddle-fisher, that’s your business.
3. Doesn’t this mean that some AA women regard white men as 2nd choice since it seems you’re saying they’re dating and marrying white men because they don’t or can’t numerically get a black man.?In 2008, why would an AA woman be primarily looking for an AA man—in the first place? Probability-wise, according to all of the stats out there, the numbers don’t support that type of search if QUALITY is a major criteria for her. Also, is a typical QUALITY AA man “primarily” or exclusively looking for an AA woman for long-term commitment and marriage? Even IF all or most of these men were, the numbers of marriageable AA men (those able to meet the challenges of life) looking for a black woman do not support the bulk of black women holding out for an AA man. I always look at probabilities, but she could get lucky.
It may 'seem' that I’m saying that white men are a second choice, but I’m not—AT ALL. I also am not saying that white men are the only QUALITY men. White men simply represent a LOT of “additional” men to consider. I’ve said so many times that when I wanted to re-marry, I considered ALL loving, QUALITY men who were interested in me and my white husband was the first loving, lovable, suitable, and compatible QUALITY man who asked me to marry him. If I’d met a loving, lovable, suitable, and compatible black man, Hispanic, Asian, etc. of QUALITY first, who asked me to marry him, I’d be with him.
So, I can’t speak for every black woman IR blogger out there, but to me white men are NOT second choice. All QUALITY men are or should be FIRST choice. I personally never even considered non-QUALITY men. However, when you consider the racist history of the U. S. and the way in which MOST black women have been methodically socialized and conditioned to regard black men as their ONLY mating choice and considering that the residential patterns are still governed by race in many cases, these are the MAIN reasons why SOME (though a decreasing number) black women still proclaim, “nothing but a black man!” Yes, in some cases there IS and/or would be a preference for a black man or a white man. And there would be even if racism had never existed. However, if slavery and Jim Crow, and racism had never existed, the largest percentage of men and women would be marrying each other naturally, regardless of skin shade. I’m sure we realize that.
Since my blog is written from my viewpoint and that of similar minded black women-- at the end of the day, a typical black woman of our type is looking for a loving QUALITY man who will SHOW her that he loves, cherishes, and adores her. I’ve met too many of these “nothing but a black man” black women who are now dating or in contented relationships/marriages with white and other non-black men to believe that more than a handful of AA women can ONLY be happy or fulfilled by a black men.
4. Why don’t you point AA women toward Asian and Hispanic and other non-white men more?Asian and Hispanic men are a minority or non-existent in most places where many black women are located in the U.S. Also, of the much smaller numbers of Asian and Hispanic men in the general population, many of this small number are not interested in AA women for marriage due to cultural, political, colorism/aesthetic, and/or other reasons.
5. Why didn’t you put more pictures of bw with Asian and Hispanic men on your site when you had all of the pictures up? Are you going to put pictures again?
99.8% of the pictures I had on my site were sent to me, so if very few pictures representing that type of couple were sent, then that’s what I put up. I had excellent researchers working with me--and one master researcher/'digger' in particular--digging out pics and articles re bw in IR relationships, so if those pics had been posted, she/they would have found more of them, I believe. Maybe most of those couples--if they exist-- don't post their pics as often. I dunno.
And I'm thrilled to find out that a few of the other bw IR bloggers are lining up pics of bw in IRs on their sites. I won't do exactly that again. That takes TIME! But PICTURES are very important! They communicate an idea INSTANTLY. For ex. this pic (
Michael Jordan, his girlfriend Yvette, and Charles Oakley) has more than likely had a tremendously positive impact (as some of them see it) on the minds of black males in the world. It came from:
http://thafeedback.com/
So, there's no denying its impact--and without a word being read. It opens up "options" for black men or the freedom to date and love who they want. I just want black girls and women to know they have similar options. It doesn't matter to me whether these women act on this knowledge. I just want them to have the knowledge because another name for freedom is "options." You're not hemmed onto a solo road.
I would encourage LOTS more similar blogs and sites to continue to spring up featuring black women exercising their options in relationships because so many black girls and black women are STILL so "programmed" to think they have no choice or few choices in men. In general, black women need knowlege of MORE constructive options--not fewer.
6. Aren’t white men racist? Why would you want AA women to date or marry racist white men?
This is clearly a straw man question. I have never advocated that black women date or marry racist white men.
7. Why don’t you encourage more white men to approach or date black women?
My blog started out with me talking about my relationship and marriage to a white man. Most of the folks who wrote to me were black women, so I concluded that my audience was primarily black women. I never advocated for white men to approach black women because my blog wasn’t geared to white men. I think that’s another blog altogether. If it had been my intent to do that, I’d have gone about it in an entirely different way. I’ve lately come to realize that some black women WANTED me to encourage white men to ask them out and got upset with me because I didn’t do that. First, let me say that I wouldn’t imagine that I have a pipeline to white men. Secondly, those women can write that type of blog themselves or set up a site. I’ve already done that (years ago) and this is why I KNOW that there are many white men out there who want to date black women. I once co-moderated a yahoo mailing list like that—geared to men of ALL types who admired and were attracted to black women, and most of the men or people who came to that site were white men.
8. Don’t many white men have a fetish for black women?
I wouldn’t know that. As I’ve said several times, when I was dating, I didn’t care what a particular man of any race or ethnicity "thought" about me down deep in the recesses of his brain. I cared about how he TREATED me over time. I think that smart women keep their eye on how a man treats them over time—not merely on what he says, and not what she “thinks” he thinks. I wouldn’t blame a white man at all for liking my complexion because my skin is beautiful. However, when he SHOWS me that touching my brown skin, for ex., is ALL he wants from a relationship with me, then he’s history. Likewise, if I discovered that a black man just wanted to date me in order to touch my “black woman butt,” then he’d be history. These are NOT men who’d I’d consider to be QUALITY material for a fulfilling, long-term relationship, and I don’t care what type of skin shade, job, personality, looks, educational level, or whatever else he may bring to the table.
9. Didn’t white men with their racist practices cause the current mating dilemma for black women?
Racism has contributed and still contributes to many of the dysfunctions in the AA "community" (I don't believe there is a "black community" anymore in the U.S.) but all white men and women don’t perpetrate racism. They may all benefit from it, but they don’t all practice it. I don’t believe in blaming all white people for what some of them do or have done. Likewise, I don't hold all black men responsible for some of them being DBRs; I'm pointing out that a typical black woman cannot "change" or "repair "a DBRbm. She should just steer clear of him because DBR men of all sorts are simply not suitable for long term relationships or marriage.
10. Shouldn’t black women hold white and light women responsible for the preference for white and light skin that so many men have?
I absolutely don’t think black women or darker women should have blanket animosity towards lighter and whiter women. I have said all along that black women should not be hating on light and white women for the preference that many men have for lighter and whiter women. These women are NOT responsible for their skin shade and as a group, they’re not more responsible than the men for the widespread adoration of their skin shade. All people use their advantages in life. Let’s be real here.
The only thing I think any woman can do about this entrenched colorism is to teach her son(s) to appreciate all women, despite their skin shade and to focus instead on a woman’s qualities and traits. I know that some black women have had an issue with me about that, thinking that I let white and lighter women off too lightly, but I’ve discovered that
there are plenty enough men in the world for all of us women—of whatever skin shade. Yes, I KNOW that Angelina and Halle will attract billions more men than me, but I only need to attract a small number of QUALITY men from which I can choose a mate, and I was able to do that when I started fishing in the ocean. I first chose a black man of QUALITY and now I have a white man of that caliber.
11. What do you mean by "Damaged Beyond Repair black men" or DBRbm?
Well, this term came to me after reading a book by an AA male, a black nationalist—Haki Madhubuti: “Black Men, Obsolete, Single, Dangerous?” published in 1990 in which he talked about how so many AA men are not able to meet the challenges of life—get, keep ,or create gainful employment, sustain a reasonably fulfilling and committed relationship with a woman, be good fatherhood material in which the father strives to meet his emotional, financial, and community obligations to his children, participate positively and meaningfully in community life to help develop the community and keep the women and children safe from community predators, etc. In other words, these are the “provide and protect” obligations that are expected from men in most communities and societies. I don’t think that any man should be required to do these things to the 100% level and most men of whatever skin shade or ethnicity don’t come close to the 100% point, but he must be able to do them to a reasonable extent
or at least strive to do them in order to be respected as a man. From my viewpoint, I don’t see nearly enough AA men even trying to meet these challenges—the way they did even during slavery and Jim Crow—which was during the heyday of virulent racism against AAs.
Mr. Mabhubuti also talked about what needs to be done for AA men on the part of society and community AND what the men/males need to do for themselves and other black men in order to meet those challenges. Well, in my viewpoint, more black men and black males are even farther in 2008 from being able to meet those challenges than they were back in the 90s’. And yes, it’s a complex situation, but the bottom line is that many AA men are not long-term committed relationship, marriage, or fatherhood material. And many of the ones who are don’t want to get married or don’t understand why they should commit to a black woman. Yet many AA women “think” these men have the “right stuff” for a long-term relationship or that they can “repair” these men, and this is one major reason why many AA girls and women are not more selective in choosing men. In actuality, many AA women have not been taught what the ‘right stuff’ is and/or they will cut an AA man a lot of slack when he doesn’t have it.
I used to really wonder about this. Why aren’t the women—including some of my female cousins and girlfriends--more selective? My background education and employment in the area of social sciences caused me to dig into this “lack of selectivity” on the part of AA women. I discovered that the women are not more selective for a whole syndrome of reasons. Mainly, LOTS of them still believe that AA men are “our men” and many of them believe we’ve got to “help our men,” and stick by “our black men,” protect them, defend them, excuse them, lower the bar for them, etc. due to what racist whites have done and are still trying to do to black men—or so the women say. All you have to do is listen to a group of AA women talking or read some of the blogs, magazine articles, etc. and these sentiments jump out quickly.
Also, SOME black women still make a whole smorgasbord of excuses for why black men can’t . . . . or don’t . . . I wrote several blogs on the role that many black women play in ENABLING black males to fail or be non-achievers. I’ve encountered many black mothers, for ex., who, instead of insisting that their black sons follow school rules and achieve, these mothers will blame racism for why the son threw a pencil and hit another kid and got suspended or for why he didn’t pass his science test. And on and on. I hear black men come up with these excuses too for black males not achieving. I could write several books simply on that topic.
On the mate selection front, many black girls and women are STILL being taught to overlook black males’ glaring shortcomings. I hear this everyday.
If he didn’t graduate from high school, it’s not his fault. If he gets arrested, it’s not his fault. If he can’t control his anger and beats the woman, or does even worse, it’s not his fault. If he loses the 20th job in 2 years because he won’t get to work on time and cursed out his boss when the boss mentioned his tardiness, it’s not his fault. If he has bad credit, it’s not his fault. If he has no credit, it’s not his fault. If he’s 45 and living at home off his aged parent, it’s not his fault. And even if he’s living in a homeless shelter, or in prison, a college-educated black woman should still give him a chance. It’s just not his fault. LOL!
For women who want those men, I wish you the best, but I’ve met women who will say, “I just didn’t know any better,” and that’s why I’m with that type of man or that's why I was with him.
This would all be more tolerable IF the bulk of black men of more quality SHOWED that they also accepted black women’s shortcomings. I could be wrong and for the sake of lots of black women, I hope I am, but I’d say that most black males do not overlook a black woman’s glaring shortcomings. Some black men these days require that a black woman bring more to the relationship table than they would require from a white woman or other non-black woman.
So where is this blanket of “our black women” type of loyalty from typical black men that I hear and read about from black women about black men. In other words, a typical black woman or even black girl tends to be much more loyal to “our black men” and this degree of loyalty doesn’t even come close to being reciprocated. It’s fine to stick by people who stick by you or to be a self-sacrificing mammy for anyone who also self-sacrifices for you. This is why I’ve always said to black women to keep your eye on the
RECIPROCATION ball. In general, the door must swing both ways in a reasonably fulfilling relationship of any sort. I’ve cautioned black women throughout my teaching essays here on this blog to pay much less attention to what a man says and instead focus on what he DOES. People "are" what they DO—not what they say.
I’m NOT saying that no black man ever reciprocates or that all other men reciprocate. I’m not talking about any absolutes here. I’m talking about general patterns.
12. Why didn’t you talk more Damaged Beyond Repair black women?
Now this to me is a no brainer. I don't focus on women of this sort for the simple reason that heterosexual AA women are not trying to marry other women. So since I’m talking about broadening mating options for hetereo AA women, which is the subtitle of my blog, I would not focus on other women.
13. But aren’t bw causing their marriage dilemma with their “bad attitudes” and other “issues?”
I think this "attitude" thing is mostly a lot of hype. There are women in every group who have “issues.” All people have issues. The mental health industry in the U.S. is a multi-billion dollar industry that is kept financially afloat by overwhelmingly the “issues” of non-black people. So that proves to me that it’s certainly not mainly AA women with “issues.” We ALL have issues of some sort and trust--those non-black people take their issues into relationships. I'm happy that my husband loves me despite my "issues," and likewise, I love him despite his. I’ve mingled with enough white and African women who have “issues,” (unpleasant attitudes, non-nurturing, shallow/superficial, won’t even attempt to cook or clean, argumentative, spend money like running water, morally defective, etc.) yet they’re still sought after for relationships and marriage. So why should AA women with similar "issues" be penalized for having these so-called unmarriageable “issues” when many women from other groups are not excluded by men from their group for dating and marriage?
14. How many or what percentage of AA men are DBRs?
I have no idea and I’ve never specified a number or a percentage. Anyone who says I have is misrepresenting me or outright lying.
15. Don’t you know that there are many DBRwm and other non-black men too?
Of course I know this. I have never advocated that black woman should date or marry DBRwm or any type of DBR man. I’ve instead focused on teaching black women how to evaluate ANY man—to identify any type of DBR or predator man and to get away from them.
16. Why do bw IR bloggers talk so much about black men?
I can’t speak for other bloggers. I talk about them because many black women talk about their disappointment with black men since most bw have not dated non-black men. I’ve tried to help black women learn how to avoid DBR or other unsuitable men period. Rarely has any black woman written to ask my advice on how to deal with a DBRwm or on how to work out any relationship issue with a white man. People tend to talk about what they know--not what they don't know.
17. Why do you make your relationship with your husband sound like y’all don’t have any problems? Or why don’t you talk about issues in bw-wm relationships?
I’m assuming that every relationship has problems or areas where 2 people must adjust to each other and compromise since no 2 people are clones of each other. My husband and I are loving and lovable mates to each other. We worked on adjusting to each others’ personality differences and we succeeded, and we continue to work on our relationship. We're both of the viewpoint that all relationships require work to keep them mutually satisfying, and we're both willing to do that work. We have very similar values, so the personality difference was our main difference. I’ve talked about how we’ve yelled and screamed at each other due to our differences--in the beginning of the relationship--that were due to our different personalities. I wouldn’t assume anyone would be interested in the tidbits of what he said and what I said, and those things are not of interest to me, so I didn’t see the point of writing about it even if I could remember all of the tidbits.
I’ve never done research on “issues” in bw-wm marriages, but I’m sure someone out there has done some research about that.
18. Why do you talk about "mammies" and don't you know that's a negative stereotype of black women?"Mammy" behavior is extremely negative, destructive behavior in itself. Why would anyone who cares about black women want it to continue, or try to defend it? It was imposed on black women to benefit others 100%. It was a part of required behavior for black women during slavery just like "stud" behavior was required behavior for many black men. Unfortunately, many black women and black men continue in these very damaging slavery traditions--of the mammy and the stud. Very few seem to even notice these same behavior patterns continuing after all of these years.
By and large, many AAs have not learned new patterns of behaviors that will primarily benefit them to a significant degree or are somehow unable to pass on such behaviors, if learned, to the larger population of blacks. Therefore some AAs accept these self destructive behaviors as "just a part of AA culture" and embrace, cling to, and/or defend these negative patterns. There's a critical need to find a "new way of life" instead of hanging on to the old, especially when the old is so destructive.
"Mammy" was and is a self-sacrificing black woman who puts her own needs and goals on a back burner for the sake of others in her environment and without RECIPROCATION from these others. No or little attempt is made to meet the needs of the mammying black women in the vast majority of cases. It is simply a lose-lose situation for them. In 2008, it is an extremely anti-black woman behavior pattern at a time when this is not required. Years ago, black women were forced to be mammies; today, that is not the case. Many black women just continue automatically to behave in this manner and to their detriment--neglecting their emotional, physical, and spiritual (not religious) well-being.
I've talked to some black women in my offline life about their mammy behavior lately and when I described the behavior of the mammy and pointed it out in their own behaviors, they saw that the behavior was detrimental to them yet believed that it's just a part of AA culture. I pointed out that many aspects of AA culture are simply a defensive reaction to or in harmony with racism. Defensively, they pointed out to me that women in other cultures (European, Asian, etc.) often behave in the same manner.
The fact is that, yes, women from other groups perform SOME of the same sacrifices, BUT they are also SHOWN appreciation and RECIPROCATION for their sacrifices. They give but they also get rewarded most often; there are built-in provisions and protections for them built into their cultures/societies--through widespread practices, laws, etc.
On the relationship front, men of QUALITY are not looking for a "mammy." A QUALITY man wants a woman who gives to him--her presence, her smiles, her attention, her appreciation, her nurturing, etc.--but also wants a woman who he can give to and make her happy, whereas a mammy is not a good receiver AT ALL. Many mammies are uncomfortable about receiving and quickly try to give back. A woman of this type is looking for a man who she can give, give, and give to in order to make him happy. She believes that she has to keep giving to him in order to keep him interested in her or to keep his "love." Typically, what happens is that a man may take what this type of woman gives him, but meanwhile will continue to look around for a woman to whom he can give--the type of woman who is a gracious receiver.
October6, 2009
